Ridiculous to the sublime

Date: Tuesday, July 31, 2001
From: Kevin Hench
Subject:  Ridiculous to the sublime

Now is the summer of our discontent turned glorious... summer... by this son of... Ramon Garciaparra.

Prior to His return, the Red Sox had lost 16 games by one run or in extra innings.  In those 16 games, His four replacements managed these numbers:

7-for-60, a .117 batting average, with 0 RBIs and 33 men left on base.

Hopefully, this is the last time I will have to update these stats.  But you must admit they are staggering.  In our 16 most difficult losses, our shortstops contributed not at all.  A lot has been made of the nine total errors made by the four-headed replacement, but not enough has been made of the fact that when we really needed one of them to get a hit, they were worse than a below-average-hitting pitcher.

Glad some are tickled that the Twins just got Rick Reed, giving them four All-Stars in their rotation.  Let's see... Twins get Reed, Yankees get Hitchcock, A's got Dye... hate to see the competition getting better, but the Duke's in a tough spot... while Urbina or latest-rumor Quantrill would be a boost... would hate to give up Fossum or Diaz... would gladly part with Izzy for pitching...

As I've said all along, the Yanks will win the east with their slide-proof staff, leaving us with the Mariners in the first round if we're lucky enough to win the wild card.  So our epic trip would probably be Mariners-Yankees-(Braves/D-Backs/Cubs). I'm sure I will be the picture of serenity in October.

After 13 straight against Indians and Yankees to end August and start September, we close with Tampa Bay, Detroit, Baltimore and Detroit again.  By the way, the unbalanced schedule sucks.  Why, for example, do we play our 19 games against Toronto and all six of our games against Kansas City before they dump, while our competitors can fatten up on them once they've unloaded?

Kev

Derek and the Domino Effect

Date: Sunday, July 29, 2001
From: Kevin Hench
Subject: Derek and the Domino Effect

There will be some Offy-bashing, perhaps a little Lowe-bashing (the hitters
are, why not me?) and maybe a dash of Jimy-bashing in the early going here,
but I promise to close on a positive note after a big win.

Well, some have been busting my chops all season, telling me I need to be
getting these stats to someone... anyone.  He finally just went ahead and
took it upon himself to get that essential info out there, and damn if ol'
Gordo Edes didn't jump on it and add some of his own.  I am so happy.  Just
knowing we are not alone in our contempt of Awfulman is comforting.  And,
yes, I do remember the two errors he made in that ninth inning against the
Phillies when he was with the Dodgers... one of the four years he led the NL
in errors.

Awfulman broke his 54 at-bat streak by drawing a walk in the bottom of the
eighth.  For a guy with minimal pop, he sure swings at a lot of 2-0 and 3-1
pitches.  Did I mention how much this guy kills your team in the lead-off
spot?  In a parallel universe there are leadoff hitters who sometimes go
3-for-4 with a walk or even 4-for-5.  With this guy, it's oh-fer or one-fer
every night.

We had two different guys make baserunning mistakes on the same play, but the
Jays bailed us out.  Offerman foolishly ran through Lamont's stop sign -
trying to get thrown out at the plate for the second time in the series - but
Stewart inexplicably threw the ball to the shortstop from shallow left. 
Gonzalez spun and fired high to the plate, saving Offerman six pages of
vitriol from me (he'll only get two paragraphs tonight).  Not to be outdone,
Mike Lansing belatedly thought he'd try for second.  He was out by three
Guapos.  As for Awfulman (who was once a fleet baserunner, as hard as that is
to believe), it defeats the purpose of firing Wendell Kim if guys are going
to run through Lamont.  Imagine if Gonzalez's throw had been on the money to
the plate and Lansing had been doubled up at second.  My furniture would have
been in great peril.  In the AP article, Offerman explained his curious
decision by giving the boilerplate "good things happen when you try to take
the extra base."  Really?  Interesting take on the season, Offy.

Derek Lowe, this is my friend 1-2-3 Inning, I don't believe you've met. 
Actually Derek redefined 1-2-3 inning tonight by allowing 1-2-3 hits and
getting yanked.  With each shaky outing he gets a little worse.  Derek and
the Domino Effect? Hitters do seem torn, however, as to whether to rip his
hanger to the opposite field or pull it into the screen.  As you guys
probably surmised, I was really freaking out in the ninth tonight.  I did not
have a contingency plan for when we lost this game.  As it is, the hope in
this space has to be that tonight's performance will force Duke's hand.  Any
ideas on what the holdup is with Urbina?  Other than the fact that we have
nothing to offer.  Casey Fossum?  That would pretty much empty the cupboard.

Now, Jimy.... seriously, buddy... what's going on?  We score two in the
bottom of the eighth and you've got a pitching change during which to get
Pichardo up (if, that is, you insist on not ever letting Guapo pitch two
innings).  We all know how Lowe has struggled lately and how much he has
struggled in non-save situations. And by "all," I mean everybody but Jimy, of
course.  Luckily, the offense has come up with two to push the lead to four
and a non-save situations, so you can give your closer (cough, cough) the
night off and not have to trot him out there three straight nights and four
of five.  Jimy?  Jimy? Why is Pichardo not warming?  He only pitched a third
of an inning last night.  Why is Derek Lowe coming into a non-save situation?
 Could it be true that Don Zimmer has more baseball knowledge in that plate
in his head than you have in your whole cerebral cortex.  Cerebral cortex? 
Aha!  I knew there was something missing with this guy.  "Hey, they're still
in it!  No other manager..." Blah, blah, blah.  The guy is a moron.

Assuming it takes a guy a lot longer to rehab all the way back to
seven-inning shape than two-inning shape, could the Duke's reticence on the
Urbina front be a clue as to how Pedro might be featured down the stretch? 
Would it be better to have Pedro for six starts in September or for regular
relief duty starting Aug. 15?  Just thinking out loud, but with Castillo and
Sabes coming back and the Arrojo renaissance, it would seem the more glaring
deficiencies are in the pen.

Oh, big win tonight.

Kev
 

Everett Comeback: Seamless, Unseemly

Date: Sunday, July 29, 2001
From: Kevin Hench
Subject: Everett Comeback: Seamless, Unseemly

Remember the last time we saw Carl Everett?  He was sprawling after a ball
that he clearly had no chance of catching, having taken a bad angle to
further ensure that he would not even get a glove on the ball and that the
go-ahead run would score from first.  That play was, in fact, an eerily exact
replication of a misguided, flailing dive at a Tino Martinez gapper that
allowed a runner to score from first in a game we ended up losing, 7-6.

So should it have surprised any of us to see "Bad Hustle" Carl blazing toward
the wall on a ball he clearly couldn't catch and getting so close to the wall
that the carom eluded him?  Of course not.  Carl is in it for Carl.  He'll
never make the smart, conservative  play.  He'll never move the runners over
with, say, two on and none out in the bottom of the sixth inning of a 1-1
game.  No, he'll lunge at a ball in the dirt for strike one, foul off an
obvious bunting-for-a-hit-when-we-really-need-a-sacrifice attempt and then
pop up.  And were we surprised when he fanned against Keith Foulke with the
tying runs on base in the eighth?  Of course not.  Why?  Because Foulke
throws a good changeup, a pitch that Carl - in his crazed, undisciplined,
can't-keep-his-hands-back way - is simply incapable of hitting.  Bounce three
changeups and Carl will be done.  The word is out and, as a result, Carl
Everett is a remarkably average player.

I'm sure no one here has forgotten the 7-6 loss to the A's when Carl was
thrown out at third from left field, preempting the tying run from crossing
the plate.  The mistake was colossal, but the "I'd do it again" comment was
much more revelatory.  Apparently the concept of "Mea Culpa" doesn't exist in
Carl's bible. 

In that spiteful, I-just-cost-my-team-the-game-but-refuse-to-apologize moment, he
seemed the epitome of a Ralph Nader voter.  Both Carl and the Nader voter know
they have done something horribly wrong.  They can tell because people are badgering
and hectoring them and demanding an explanation.  The Nader voter - in the
face of Ashcroft, Kyoto, et al. - resolutely sticks to his guns,  repeating the mantra,
"There is no difference between the two major parties," and defiantly insists, "I'd do it
again."  Carl - in the face of 130 years of baseball evolution that stamps it a sin to make
the first or third out at third base - is equally adroit at ignoring that nagging thing called truth
and proclaims, "I'd do it again."  Think about it.  He is saying, if the situation arises again,
I will not hesitate to repeat the mistake that previously cost my team a game.  That, my friends,
is Carl Everett.  Dick Allen has met his match.

Word on the street is that Sunday the Sox will get a team player back, guy by
the name of Nomar.

Mike Lansing has a higher batting average than Jose Offerman.

I'll give you a set of stats, you tell me which guy is in the lineup every day, playing first
against lefties, second against lefties, killing the team each day.

                           Avg.                On-Base%      Slugging%
Offerman            .253                .323                .347
Daubach             .265                .355                .516
Stynes                .300                .353                .465

And there are still guys out there who refuse to believe Jimy Williams is a moron.

Kev

First Half Over, Glass Half Empty

Date: Monday, July 9, 2001
From: Kevin Hench
Subject: First Half Over, Glass Half Empty

We'll start with today's fiasco and pull back from there for a wider snapshot
of the first half and perhaps a look into the grim near future.

* When Jimy starts the Forfeit Lineup - Hillenbrand, Lansing, Mirabelli,
D-Lew - we have basically no chance of scoring in three or four innings. 
That we could so desperately need some right-handed pop against lefties and a
have a Triple A Triple Crown threat growing old on the farm is just another
testament to how screwed up this organization is.  Izzy sets a nightly homer
distance record in various IL parks and the first we see of him is when he
Karate kicks a catcher.  Great.

*  There is no slump so deep that a pitcher, be it Steve Parris, John Halama
or Tom Glavine (winless since May), will not immediately snap out of it when
he goes up against today's lineup.

*  B.J. Surhoff has never met a slump that a weekend series with the Sox
couldn't cure.

*  Did anyone catch Shea Hillenbrand's underhand flip too late for the force
at second today?  He is so bad defensively, so clueless at the plate, that
not only does he not belong in the Majors right now, I can't see him ever
developing into an everyday player that doesn't hurt his team.

*  Tomo Ohka had a decent fastball and an excellent change working through
four scoreless today.  So why, you ask, did he throw hanging curveballs to
Brian Jordan and Andruw Jones during the five-run shelling in the fifth? 
Beats the hell out of me.  Mirabelli looked over to the dugout a lot today
and Ohka didn't appear to shake him off much, but whoever called those two
pitches is an idiot.  If you must mix in your sub-par rolling curve, please
do so against Quilvio Veras, Mark De Rosa or Rico Brogna, not against boppers
who will deposit a hanger.  The game is not that complicated.

*  Which brings me to 2-0 and 3-1 counts.  When you, the hitter, have the
count in your favor, you should sit on a pitch in a certain spot.  Let's say,
a fastball, on the inside half.  If you get this pitch, you should annihilate
it, full rip.  If you don't get your pitch right where you want it, just take
it.  It's okay.  That's the luxury of being up in the count.  So why the hell
do the Boston Red Sox hit so many 2-0 and 3-1 pitches weakly the other way
with defensive half swings?  It's mind-boggling.  Troy is the worst.  Did you
catch his act on Saturday?  Twice striking out on 3-2 pitches off the plate
in the dirt.  He is so weak.

*  Think there's any friggin' chance the White Sox would trade David Wells for
Ohka and Crawford now?  Wells could be in traction and be more valuable than
either of these soon-to-be journeymen.

*  Watching Brian Jordan (two), Dave Martinez, Quilvio Veras and Mark De Rosa
all make hit-robbing plays this weekend while we struggle to make the most
quotidian plays gave me a foreboding sense of dread for the long haul.  When
your players have minimal range and weak arms, they are simply incapable of
the spectacular play.  Our record, however, has led me to revisit the
"pitching and defense" mantra.  Maybe defense is overrated.  Maybe the vast
majority of plays are routine.  Maybe you can win with a butcher in left, a
rainbow-throwing second baseman at short, a DH at catcher, a broken down old
man at second, a mediocre right-fielder in center and an average left-fielder
in right.  Previously, I would have doubted it.

In our 15 one-run and extra-inning losses in the first half, our shortstop
position produced these numbers:

                           G       AB         H       AVG      RBI    LOB

Red Sox  SS       15      56          7       .125         0       28

So in the 15 losses where one run, one RBI, one positive contribution with
the bat would have made the difference, we got nothing from the guys
replacing the two-time batting champ who entered 2001 with the highest
all-time slugging percentage for a shortstop.  If you encounter someone who
suggests that we haven't missed Nomar - because our rangeless shortstops have
made so few errors - please punch him in the face.  In these 15 games, the
opposition has produced more runs on routine throws breaking the webbing of
mitts than our shortstops have.

And now the bad news...

* Four of these six teams will make the playoffs: Yankees, Mariners, Twins,
Indians, Red Sox and A's.  Let's take them one at a time.

Yankees - They are in.  There's is simply no way this de facto All-Star team
could fail to win the AL East.  Even with Pettite and El Duque on the DL and
Bernie missing about three weeks for his pops, they played .550 ball and now
are healthy and white hot.  Plus, teams lay down for them.  Thanks, Rey
Ordonez, for hitting the ball 10 inches with the bases loaded and one out and
killing a rally with the never-before-seen 2-U-3 double play.

Mariners - They are in, mathematically, it would seem.  Who would have
thought they got the better of the Mike Cameron-Ken Griffey deal?  With
Cameron and Ichiro patroling the cavernous reaches of Safeco and Sele,
Garcia, Moyer and Abbott throwing strikes for six innings before Messrs.
Nelson, Rhodes and Sasaki make 7-8-9 a formality, the M's have a real shot at
the whole deal.

Twins - Everyone is waiting for their fade, even as they won 13 of 15 before
the break.  Even as their 2 and 3 starters made the All-Star team and their
ace won his 10th of the first half.  Pettite over Radke and Sele?  Shame on
you, Joe Torre.  The Twins have the most range in the AL up the middle in
Guzman and Rivas, the best defensive centerfielder this side of Safeco in
Torrie Hunter, great defense on the corners in Koskie and Mankiewicz  and an
ace manager.  The pen would seem to be a concern, except that it gets the job
done seemingly every night.  There's a little bit of a power shortage, too,
but they have a lot of big innings because they can run and they all put the
ball in play.  The main reason they won't fade, however, is the schedule. 
Did you notice that while we were lucky to take one of three with the Braves,
the Twins were sweeping the Reds?  Yes, the NL and AL Centrals are stocked
deep with lousy teams with lousy pitching.  After beating up on the Reds and
Pirates, the Twins can spend August and September feasting on some unbalanced
meat: Tigers, Royals and the primed-to-fade White Sox.  Do we really expect
the Twins of Radke, Milton and Mays to be under .500 against these awful
teams?

Indians - As you may have noticed last week, the Indians lineup is
ridiculous.  It almost doesn't matter that their starting pitching has been
shit because they are playing Beer League softball anyway.  Colon, Finley and
Nagy will be better than they've been and Sabathia and Westbrook have looked
good.  Do you really expect Gonzalez, Burks, Alomar, Thome, Lofton, Vizquel,
Cordova and Fryman to be watching the playoffs at home?

A's - After Mulder, Hudson and Zito held the D-Backs to two runs in a
three-game sweep at the BOB, this might be the scariest team in the league
right now.  They know they buried themselves as far as the division is
concerned, but they are only 6.5 back in the wild card race.  If Johnny Damon
comes anywhere close to what he did last year in running away with the
second-half batting crown, look out.

Red Sox - Remember 1978?  The best team in memory to miss the playoffs?  And
you look back and you ask, How did Rice (MVP), Lynn, Evans, Yaz, Pudge, Eck
(20-8), Steamer (15-2) and Rooster miss the playoffs? Fast forward to
September, 2001.  Pedro, Nomar, Varitek and Jurassic Carl are back and we are
on a tear, winning 10 of 11 to close the gap on the wild card-leading
Indians/Twins/A's, but we fall short, done in by the .400 ball we played in
July and the first two weeks of August while the other contenders heated up. 
And Manny and Pedro and Nomar will go into the Hall of Fame in 2015 and no
one will believe we missed the playoffs in 2001... and don't even get me
started on the labor stoppage of 2002 further encroaching on our tiny window
of opportunity.

That's why they call it a curse.

Enjoy the break.